self realisation

i realise i should forget about him.i tried but when we meet up and talk,there's always a "gravitational pull" between us.i tried to avoid accusations that i might have the "thing" towards him.i know i dont deserve for such desires,i tried to forget him.but his name,his face haunts me ever day.only god knows what happened.sigh.anyhow,whats done is done.i decided to forget him,and i will.i will put my studies as my first priority followed by family and friends.but it's still hurt to think of him

heart sank,anguish

i didnt know how to decide.continue being a debater or throw in the towel?i smile,and cried for having such experience.but i really think i dont deserve!i didnt know how to move this chess.i didnt knw such frets could be such a big deal!a debater shouldn't get such low grade.i lost faith in myself,how am i suppose to convince teachers?i didnt want to disappoint ppl who puts on a high expectations on me.maybe putri's right,my English grade is an embarrassment.as for me,i think i'm a embarrassment.someone whose live for English,C is not a prerequisite!i tried to over come this issue,but sadness and interrogations over-whelmed me!i guess i better get going.ice cream and a full hour of crying might help.=6

reaching it

if u've been following my facebook,u may have guess that i'm on my basic in drum.it took me a while on hesitation to get in and i should've gone in ages ago.first,my senior wasnt sure about me and reluctant to teach me drum.in the end,coach gave me a shot in drum and i was in cloud 9.i happily learn my theory and then to basic drumming.W.O.W,i should say.it was the happiest day for this year.HAHA!after practice,puttie and i went to manduh's hse and den head to JJ for movies.Andy tagged along too and we have so much fun and a lil crazy while waiting to get in the theater.we didnt took any picture.pfft.haha!

so the day after ytd was a ****.well enough said,i'm trying to disguise my anger in front of my parents.naggy much.sigh.

p/s:IMMA PLAY DRUM!!PAPAPILAPAPAPILAPA

friend who is no longer remembered

putri mentioned about lily today and i had this weird feeling.it felt long since we last met.it felt as if she's a friend,almost a long lost friend i should say.the more we spilt apart,the more we feel strangers.hmm
friday nights always reminds me of my past.mostly my childhood.i remembered how bad i was before.i dont know if i still am now.some of u might think,im totally a changed person.but i can say,people change for good.i changed to a more independent person.thats all bywe

they suck eggrolls,big time!

wut up.i know it took me long to revive my blog.so,how are ya?!its been a while i update and this post will be as simple as i can edit.first of all,i felt magnificence after my parents bought a new MYVI.i know its not any luxury car but it does ensure me that when i further my studies to University or College,i'll be able to drive there and this car might be mine.i suppose.it has been modify a lil and its in sparkling red in color.i know its may sound kinda notmytypeofcar but trust me,i love it.even Ferrari is in red.haha.besides car,my eldest brother shyen was thinking of buying a Iphone 3Gs despite that his current phone is going through problems.the beauty of this thing is,i'm gonna be using his Ipod touch once he have his Iphone.that's a fantastic news for me.the next great news is next week imma be in camp with putraeeeee,bibianca,and sammae!cant wait!
P/S:my school BSM is a shit.take note

xoxo

speechless

i've got involved in a fight with my bro and its a misunderstanding.i thought it was nothing at once,nothing but a normal siblings fight but boy was i wrong!my bro decided to go for a jog after he complains everything to my mother(what a baby!) and yea,without finding out what exactly happened,she called me and yelled at me even though i denied the claim.i finally know where i stand in this family,just a person that will be parents favourite when sibling's gone,a rubbish while they're home.i'm just an eyesore to them.yes,i'm not exaggerating.when i'm tired and drained they said i wasnt caring too much for this family.but when i care they just threw it away.what they think i am?a dog?or just a booty call that will be on their service when they want me.i dont think they need me!was i born on their plans?!dont they know i'm working very hard to prove myself in school and why are they giving me so much pressures and making so much assumptions on me?!yes,i'm just a joke to u ryt?!what happened ytd was a cystal clear wake up call!i'm the one who burns the jungle in ur thought!i dont even want to be here!i dont even want to be in a home which looks like a perfect home but inside,theres nothing but 4 walls!haiz.
anyways,i just came back from atika's farewell party.i felt free and very happy to be around them.yeap,they are better than pills!

a giver or an endeavour fool?

last Saturday i went to mid valley with my darls and when its getting late and it's drizzling,we decided to walk out from coffee bean kafe and waited for sam's friend julie's transport.we're standing just right where the entrance are and out of sudden a granny at her late 60s walk towards us and asked for help heres the scene
granny:"girls,can some of u help me by calling my son,kelvin to fetch me home from the bus stop?"
shu wen took out her phone and started dialing while the granny gave her son's number.while shu wen talks to her son
granny:"i've been wandering around the entrance waiting for my son to arrive for hours.i've not even a penny in my pocket and i'm very thirsty i dunno when will my son arrive."
i was stunned to know that shes out there waiting for her son for hours and a lil furious that such a rascal will abandoned his own mother in a mall with no mobile or money with her and even let her wait here for him for hours!i started searching my pockets for money.
me:"aunty,i know rm5 is not much but u can afford a drink for a time being"
granny:"thank you girl,thank you very much"she walk away then
bianca:"u r,dont u know theres lots of cone woman here?no matter how old their age are!?"
me:"aiya,maybe shes fooling us but maybe shes isnt?rm5 is not very much also."
till now,i still dont know if it's true.however i do knw that i'm doing the right thing.how u guys know what message i'm trying to send

oh the agony

i've been busy for weeks,but this week is a life-strangling week.first i just injured both of my knees,the whole trip home i was saying "oh the agony!" and when i got home my maid started screaming to see my injured knees.u should be thinking how weak i am.but to cut the story short,it's because of the authorities for the poor-maintained road.my mum literally scream when she saw my injuries and she ended up spraying dr.smith in my injuries.
a few minutes back i checked my fb and i received an e-mail from Atika Sikun.awwww...i promised i'll make myself available on the 9th.but seriously i hate goodbyes.promise we'll keep in touch?
this Sunday is a big day for Creamy,he's going to a dog's gathering and i'm thinking of waking up early and get him freshen up and tie him in a bow.AHAHAHHA!but even if he gets a wifey and have a dozen of kids.i wont get another puppy anymore.imagine how many crap do i need to clean!sorry boy ;(.
second assessment is in few hours.and i'm pretty darn sure i'm not mentally or physically prepared for it.RAWR!RAWR!hopefully i'll pick up the pieces and not crying over spilt milk.

crappy patty

this week's been a highlight in my life and i should nominate this week as THE FUCKING BIRTHDAY WEEK I'VE EVER HAD IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE!forgive me for my harsh words,but i think this post is gonna be a whole lots of vulgarities.just bare with me if u wanna go through my blog.yea,i just had the worst week for the year.thanks to my family and a group of whoreshit,they really contributes a lot for making this week a better off hell.seriously,if u think i'm joking guess what i'm not!my heart's shattered to million pieces.first i dont get to celebrate my birthday on my choice,second my parents is starting to annoy me a lot!and i'm showered with a few basket of homeworks and asignment den last but not least,those whore shit douchebags just always trying to make a scene.well,i always thought that what would be my sweet 16 gonna be?an ipod?well,thats not gonna happen because i know they pampers someone better.my whole teenage life probably sucked due to too much of pressure.i always thought i was adopted and hopefully my imaginary "real parents" will reunite with me and bring me somewhere else from here.well,happy suckish birthday to me and not so cherrished weeh after all.oh yea,dont talk to me cause i couldnt think straight or even talk in a fluenced manner.
bye fuckers

downturn

so a whole bucket of things falls on the month of march.frankly,march isn't a favorable month for me.till now I'm still thinking either to continue Gerald's class or just seek for a random English tutor in Eng Ann and stick my ass there for a couple of year.i know i wouldn't be able to find a tutor as good as Gerald,but i think i would be able to go with the flow.anyhow,English isn't as hard as diamond as i only need to explore more vocabs.
currently I'm working on my essay and hoping to be published in this year's school magazine.for some of u,i know u guys have been aching to read my work.well,u guys have to bare with me for a while longer because it's still under progress.hahaha.well,this year's gonna be a very busy year.between,science and math week is next week and nt to forget during teacher's day English society's going to do a play.the play is going to be F.U.N!although English society isn't as lively as it was before,I'm still going to participate and always ready to help.
before i end my post i would like to say,dont fight over spilt milk.whatever they do or say is what makes people penalised them even more.only god knows what they've done and said and they shall be punished one day.now i've realised that not all people i know worth my respect.i will only help those who needed me,NOT using me and threw me off like a rubbish!being with u all of u losers really is a embarrassment.all the whore shit u guys did are just disgraceful and sinful.
p/s:hang out with sammy,bianca,putri and shu wen ytd.i never knew i was that good in pool.AHAHAHAHA.anyway,ytd was awesome!
well,thats all for today

water rocket is fun!

building water rocket is fun indeed!it's for physic anyway.finally there's something related to my ambition appears.rocket science and nuclear science has always been my passion.the feeling after accomplishing something great is indescribable.especially when it comes to winning those people u hate,the desperation,and thirsty for victorious victory!yea,for those who know me well,u know who i mean.well,i'm gonna be quite bz this week with water rocket and speeches for MPAB.hmm,i'm screwed.for the water rocket,Bianca and i were in the same group.great.i'm very very very very very VERY confident winning this water rocket competition.well,at least i'm smart enough to ask my physic teacher,mr Alfred,of how to build an advance rocket.and with a little intelligence from Bianca and i,i'm sure that building this little thing is not really a big challenge.ghehehe.i just love things involving building and things that involved with both chemistry and physic.rocket science is my 3rd option next time also.ahahahahah!
i collected an extra rm50 for my PMR result.ahahah!just wonderful.but i spent it all for supper in that night alone.well,the food in the buffet sux.i mean,no one on earth would like to have sausages and fish ball for dinner.i was thinking of buying myself starbucks coffee but everyone suggested for supper in other place,so the supper is on me instead.today is also the first day i wrote a calligraphy.i was the only one there without knowing how to write chinese.ahahaha!but my definition is just learning calligraphy for the first time in my entire 15years and 11 months living.my brother carried me just now.turns out i'm not as heavy as i looked like.WAKAKAKKA.
holiday week doesnt looked the same now.tuition classes and marching practice.need to cope everything cause form4 life is no fun.
conclusion is,commitment had doubled up from form3
P/s:i miss wearing prefect uniform.=.=''

....

i found out that no matter how i tried to be strong,i can be very sensitive and emotionally upset some times.yeah,i miss my form3 life.no worries and what so ever eventho PMR is just around the corner.spent times with lily pooh and pu3 everyday in class.LILY!how i miss her.obviously for me,i couldnt really stand losing one of my best friends even if they're far far away from where i am.
so today i went to the library for accounts class.i just stare at the place where my debate teammates and i used to sit and practice.i triggered off sooooo many memories there.and whenever i saw the girl who burp in the library i would remember everyone including kanchana's curious face.AHAHAHA.
p/s:dont bother about my blog.i have no clue whats going on with my brain.couldnt stop thinking.ISH!

so long,so fade

i know my blog seems dead for a long time.loads of things are going on in school,home works,tuition,English week coming really soon,and last but not least,DEBATE!currently it's my first experience in debate and people i get to know are all sooo awesome,funny and extremely good in English!i never expect my first debate experience to be this great and people like the debators for our school are fun to be with!winning syahbandar in the first round really boost my interest in debate not only mentally but physically as well.the second round was against KISAS school,the first speaker is terribly good and the third speaker,grrrrr,sets everyone on fire with his hot figure and Arabian look.rasshi,in d other hand couldn't stop fantasising the first speaker @.@.the third round is next week monday,aiks,guess who's our opponent?kota Kemuning.i really hope we win!but eventho we couldnt,i'll still make this experience as a sweet remark for the year!and of cause,not to forget a ex senior of ours,atika,that helped us in our debate(shes awesome)
well,i attent rc meeting yesterday.nothing much to say,but to my suprise i really neglected most of my jobs and things i should handle.i'm getting pretty lazy in rc,in commitment nor works i should complete.all i think of when i'm in meeting,is english week,friends or points for debate.sometimes i dont even want to attend meetings or even go events held by them.hmm,i guess i still cant forget what they said and did.the anger and hatred is will burning within my that nothing they could do to extinguish it.i'm not longer a fool that u guys could find a way to save ur arsses!i had enough with all the things u guys did!give crappy reasons and excuses and denied ur reponsibility,what a big shit ryt?

p/s:dont text me to remove this post,be alert that it's my blog.so F off k?

and yea,this year's a great year when i'm around people like ryanna,sammy,manda,bianca pammy and jo.although lily had transferred to boarding school in Perak,but hey,we're still BFF's as always and forever will be.talking and joking with them makes my day!loveeeeee them all!well,it's getting late and i'm still thinking how the hell do i install chatbox on my blog.ahahaha nitez everyone!

2010

2010 is a very stressful year and not to mention,erratic daily schedule.i just feel so weird these day,days i feel a slight depress is uncountable.i really envy of some other people that could cope in everything they're facing and with their family.but mine was just like a roller-coaster ride.adore me today,the next day i'm ur pain in d ass.i'm sick of these kind of feelings.why everything i have just whizzes away?why do i have to face so many obstacles?why i cant get to go on with my will without someone persuading me to risk my future?!i never been a problem child,nor will i,but please just shut up!just quit it!i know u're just giving me a second opinion,but didnt u realized ur opinion had slowly changing to discouraging?!
may be i'm just throwing tantrums after a whole week of hard struggle.but i wished that someone will be there when i'm in my lowest and congratz me during the high.

i dont believe in some friends,or juniors/seniors anymore.some of them used u and then forget everything u've done.what do they think i am?recycle?bloody FUCKTARDS who do they think they are!?but i'll take these as a blessing,at least i know which of them all are my real friends,and which is hypocrites!and for a person,if u're reading this,please fuck off from my life k?!stop email me in facebook and stop texting me and talk about ur fucking english teacher!seriously,who cares about ur life man!get a life will ya!?just becox u're in d same unit beruniform as i am doesnt mean i treat u as a junior!for me u're invisible!so fuck off idiot!u dont wanna lose a fren,but i dont want a fren like u k?!i'm so sick of u!we r in two different categories ok!even our friends are difff so dont freaking text me or email me.please dont take it a wrong way,dont fucking talk to me!perhaps u get d concept wrong,when i say i'm deleting u in facebook,means i FUCKING DELETED U IN MY LIFE!u and ur hypocrite fren can fuck someone else and i dont give a fucking damn!basterds!for u readerz who is a serious stalker and plan on screwing my ass in meetings or whatsoever!who fucking care?!its my blog and clearly u're having an issue on deciding who u're messing with!if i knw u're messing with me i'm gonna make u a whore shit in skul!